Setting up for Failure

I write today, with my mind full of conflicted feelings: sadness, guilt. Failing at a task, where you are responsible for others and expected to do perform well (for good enough reasons) is painful. Questioning your self-worth in times like these, is the most obvious way to deal with the disappointment that washes you. I feel like I often set myself up for failure. Like I can see in plain sight that keeping up with this behavior is not going to get to where I ought to go. Will power, self-regulation and restraint, these are the words that come to my mind(from a video of a professor speaking about procrastination), when I try to figure what I did wrong. Sugar has been my go to drug for times like these. There goes my self-restraint.

Typing has now become a form of meditation, where every keystroke requires constant watch for the unconscious movements your fingers do when they detect a word pattern. It is hard to keep the muscle memory at the bay.

A blurb that I read about optimism(and noted it for times like these): “To be more optimistic assess good stuff as personal, general and permanent and negative as impersonal, specific and temporal. Make notes everyday about your assessments and correct them.”

I hope what I’m doing is some form of the this. I don’t want to live in self-delusion, but I also don’t want to beat myself up for things I can’t control. I suppose it’s easy to imagine everything going well, if you would have decided differently.