The miracle of self-improvement

I’ve been thinking more and more about how would you go about accurately knowing yourself, because that’s the first step to change. If you want to optimize a process, you want to collect as much data as possible about it, as accurately as possible, that’s the scientific method. If that process is “Living your life”, then it’s self-analysis, which is very complicated. As Richard Feynman said “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself – and you are the easiest person to fool.” (this must’ve been obvious even to ancient humans). You are the least objective person when it comes to you. But if you couldn’t fool yourself, you won’t be able to function as a human being. Let me see if I can elaborate this using an evolutionary psychology perspective.

We are biologically and psychologically programmed to take risks for survival of our species, to sacrifice yourself for your offspring. Orgasms then are a mechanism to overwhelm you with pleasure, so you can continue procreating. Every instinct we have has been handpicked carefully over millions of years for survival of our species. Individuals don’t truly exist in this view, because they rarely have any autonomy. If you’re a male, you’re attracted to females of your species. Your instincts drive you towards power and status in the dominance hierarchy (of males). The dominance hierarchy exists so the females have a way to pick the most competent males who can protect them and their children. A family is the most successful social structure a human child can grow in, that’s why we hold it sacred.

Which is my long-winded way of saying, most times a person has no idea about their own motives and actions. But it doesn’t mean we don’t think about the cause of our actions. Everybody has in their mind, a story or say a rationalization of why they did something. And I’m not blaming us, that’s the best we can do given what we are programmed to do. Looking for the objective truth is a very different game, which sometimes runs counter to our normal “survival” game. Thinking about the objective truth might lead to deadends, and to unanswerable questions like “What is the meaning of life?”, to nihilism and suicide.

What about self-analysis? Thinking about your own weaknesses, vulnerabilities, faults is quite uncomfortable for a reason. They trigger unhappy memories and emotions. The same reason applies when you are better off believing that you’re a winner, and you’re better than the rest. Our mindset and the emotions that result from that mindset affect everything we do. If you are a person who likes to mull over your own flaws (like me), you won’t have many happy hormones flowing through your body. You are more likely to be neurotic and introverted (accurately describes me). Which is a reason why writing about it helps. Writing is like having a conversation with somebody because articulating your thoughts gives them clarity and shape in your own head. You understand your own thoughts by giving them a form. Also why solitary confinement is literally a torture method. When you can’t talk to somebody and when you are in a confined space, it’s hell for you. That’s why children fear time-out (where they would be ignored by everyone in the room), it’s often more effective than physical punishment. So 1) give your thoughts a form, and 2) occupy some space. That’s my advice to not be tortured.

Coming back to the point. Thinking about yourself objectively is very hard. The trick is to think of it as having 2 different individuals inside of you. Think of yourself as a person who’s responsible for taking care of this other person who’s suffering. You have to help him fix his problems. Now you don’t know him at all. You would start by carefully observing his behavioral patterns, noting down what and when he does something. Then you piece things together, figure out the problem. Then you make a plan and strategize to change the behavior. See when you stop identifying with yourself for a moment, you do not let your emotions cloud your judgment. This is a bit where mindfulness and meditation practices work. They teach you how to stop identifying with yourself, so you can clearly see something.

You can also be smart and find a mentor. A good mentor will do those things for you, give an objective judgment, help you plan and strategize and best of all, teach you how to do that for yourself. A mentor could be a friend, an older relative. Or you can pay someone, like a life coach or counselor or psychotherapist or psychologist. If you feel stuck and need guidance, all those options would definitely be worth looking into. The miracle of all this is it wouldn’t be possible 100 years ago. We have so many psychological insights that we know what’s healthy and effective, that we can dream about improving ourselves. Feel the audacity of that statement. It’s not just about survival now is it.

Here’s my reading list for some ideas I discussed above

• Chapter 1-3 of Mindfulness by Mark Williams and Danny Penman
• Chapter 1 of The Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller
• Chapter 1-2 of 12 Rules of Life by Jordan Peterson